The Barnard Party believes it has the solution. All religious nuts and zealots will be sent to Greenland. They can have their own "state" each and, frankly, do whatever they want to each other. The rest of us can get on with just trying to have a nice, normal life and getting on with each other. In short, this makes Global Warming a GOOD thing, because I'd rather have another hot July at the seaside here in Norwich, knowing that Wisbech is underwater and that no longer will I hear Ian Paisley's dulcet tones or have someone try to take me back to the middle ages where women, non believers and sexual minorities had no rights and were put to the sword.
Waste Disposal, Global Warming and Young OffendersBloody optimistic, you may say, tackling these three in one policy! No, I say, brave and innovative. Bah. Anyhoo, this is where we start from. Soon there will be no landfill sites left and all that rubbish will pile up. We must recycle more and use less. Nonsense, this is not lateral thinking! Let's examine the facts.
We have far too many offenders driving cars with no tax, insurance
or
But what do we do with the soil taken from the holes I hear you cry? Simple. Take it to the East coast and build a barrier against the ever rising sea, just like the Polders in Holland.
This will have the added effect of warming the climate yet more. We will have balmy summers, the scumbags will be employed, rubbish removed from our streets and tourism increased as people flock to the Costa del Happisburgh. I commend this policy to the people of Britain. Another:- "Sensible Policy for a Sensible Britain"
Pitbull Terriers, Big Brother and Supporting CharitiesBuoyed by my success in tackling three issues with one policy Waste Disposal, Global Warming and Young Offenders I have now turned my mind to the above problems; quite frankly, these are no-brainers - sadly, in the case of the first two, so are the participants.
We start with the premise that an individual who wants to buy something as hideous as this thing on the right shouldn't actually be referred to a psychiatrist. I concur with the estimable Ben Elton, who would have only one question on a Gun Licence application form, namely "Do you want to own a gun?". If the answer is "Yes" then clearly you shouldn't be allowed to have one. This may adversely affect the Right to Bear Arms as enshrined in the U.S. Constitution. If we look across at the U.S. we realise that this does not give rise to a violent society whose government believes that shooting seven shades of shit out of any country in the world that disagrees with it is a Really Sensible Foreign Policy. There are things you didn't know, things you didn't know you didn't know and things you wished you didn't know when you found out, like the time I woke up to find that G Dubbleyer had been re-elected (with the help of some creative Chadwork). I digress, and this bottle of Ernest and Julio's best Cabernet Sauvignon is going down far too well, so I'd better keep typing while I can.
We in the United Kingdom have a little trick up our sleeve. We too liberated a leading Nazi, Obersturmfuhrer Sadistikbastid. He was a dog trainer in the war with a penchant for training Dobermans to attack prisoner's genitalia. You may see where I'm going with this I think. If Sigmund Freud was correct, then the tackle of those who wish to own Pit Bulls, Dobermans, Rottweilers etc would merely present a mid morning snack to such highly trained canines. I prefer to think that these should be regarding as the Spanish do, as tapas, a continuous supply of little nibbles to satisfy the doggy appetite. Quite simply, people who want to participate in dog-fights can do exactly that. Obersturmfuhrer Sadistikbastid will train the little pooches and stop feeding them a week before the event, at which the owners will face them in the ring and be allowed to shout "he's a softy, he wouldn't hurt a fly". We could even combine this with a pantomime at Christmas, the audience retorting "Oh no he isn't" etc. Damn, this wine is good. Clearly, we could not expect the Big Brother contestants to fight the dogs as it would be too confusing when Jade Goody's turn came around. So, who should this
audience be? Well, clearly not me or my party members; regrettably,
if this flight of fantasy was to happen, there would be a queue of
sick bastards who would buy tickets to watch. I suggest that many of
these voyeurs are the same as those who watch:-
So, cutting quickly to the policy. The Muppets who watch Big Brother/Celebrity Big Brother will be invited to a "live" show. Quell surprise! Instead of watching the gruesome and gory spectacle above, they will each have to spend a year working for a charity of OUR choice (the Party members) as they clearly have:-
*(Obviously neither point applies to the author) The owners and their dogs will not have to fight each other. They will receive a one way ticket to Greenland with a multi-choice "Pick a Religion" questionnaire. See previous Sensible Policy. See how easy it can be formulating Sensible Policies? I can't wait to tackle the next one.
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It strikes me that we can remove this menace without resorting to
chemicals. The Tally Ho brigade, those who love dressing up in red
tunics, spreading blood on their offspring's foreheads and riding
round the countryside half pissed terrorising cats, dogs and people
minding their own business generally, tell us that it is man's instinct to
hunt. As they don't kill many foxes anyway (they say) it isn't about
cruelty to foxes at all. Its SPORT!
licences. The first time the police stop them, all they can do in
court is to ban them from driving as, as yet, they have committed no
criminal offence. Even when they have, after a high speed chase,
little Wayne and Tracy get a £100 fine, payable out of their benefit
at £2 a week, assuming they bother to turn up for the hearing after
the wet magistrate has let them go on bail. The true cost of
pursuit and bringing to "justice" would be close to £3,000. Well, we
will make the little darlings PAY this cost. Upfront. Now. At once. OR we
will offer them an alternative. They will dig holes to bury all the
detritus we normal people produce. £3,000 = about
six months work in our estimation. Display the same belligerent
attitude you did when you were caught and you dig with a teaspoon.
The
holes will be filled with our rubbish and then covered over with
topsoil to make nature reserves to house the Lesser Spotted Micro
Moth, which can be re-housed from its unique habitat so that the
by-pass can eventually be built so people can get to work on time
and goods delivered cost-effectively.
We
will then have a 30 ft barrier against the worst the North Sea can
throw at us and build marinas on top
of them, basking in the new Mediterranean heat that we enjoy post
warming. In fact, as we are now immune from flooding, the
rubbish we can't bury can be burned in huge incinerators which also
provide us with electricity.
Our American buddies, ever mindful of Justice
over Expediency (typing takes
a pause whilst I try to stop laughing) scurried away the brilliant
scientist Werner von Braun after World War II. He was responsible
for developing the V1 and V2 which caused devastation in London
especially, but as he "vos only obeying ze orders" that
was OK so he could go to the U.S. not Nuremburg, and stuff the
Eastender, who got their retaliation in later with Pauline Fowler
cheering us all into suicide pacts. The free world just HAD to have
him, not those nasty Russian allies of ours under Uncle Jo Stalin,
so that the U.S. and the rest of the free world could deter this
horrible Red Menace. Well, at least the U.S. could from thousands of
miles away, after Europe was carved up at Potsdam and half of Europe
suffered 40 years of tyranny every bit as bad as that which we had
liberated them from. (I will address the Treaty of Yalta in another
policy and with a different bottle.)
Along
came the architects of the brave new world. Gone would be the
desperate housing conditions of the early 20th century; in would be
the shiny new towns in the sky, where everyone would be equal. The
great social experiment was on. Comprehensive schools would
flourish, North Sea oil and gas added to nuclear energy would mean
that it would be so cheap it would not be worth metering.
Many
years passed and the country moved slowly along, until, in the early
70's, "Thatcher the Snatcher" decided that free school milk should
go (I do miss those 1/3rd pint bottles, left in the sun till
breaktime) and that, later, there was "no such thing as society".
What a self fulfilling prophesy.
Eventually,
the results of this great experiment manifested themselves by the
evolution of the prime human specimen, the chav. Moving around the
vast council estates in nicked cars, living on benefit, doing deals
and fathering numerous children to be brought up without any father
figure or discipline, they roamed with impunity and created their
own "no go" areas, where even our brave police feared to go. The
police realised, however that these people were not a threat.
Catching those responsible for mugging pensioners for a £10 fix was
not as important as catching motorists doing 66mph in a 60mph zone
at 3 a.m. 
Wayne
Chav impregnated as many Vicky Pollards as he could. I actually feel
very sorry for the Vicky Pollards of this world - the only bit of
love and affection they can get is from a baby and the only respite
from an abusive home is their own flat. Perhaps I should feel sorry
for Wayne Chav, who, in a different life and time, might have
actually found an outlet for his aggression and emerged as a
war hero.
When
I started writing this policy, It was going to have a quirky ending.
Basically, instead of putting bromide in the tea, as was done with
soldiers in the past to curb their urges, I was going to suggest
that the water on these estates was laced with homing pigeon genes.
In this way, the sperm of Wayne Chav would contain the homing genes
which would be passed on to his progeny who could then automatically
find him and demand he paid for their upkeep.
Well,
here we are again then. The Victorians, whose social policies were
somewhat dubious in shoving small boys up chimneys and the like,
nonetheless were the World's engineers. Without them there would
have been no sewers, underground train system, railways or fantastic
constructions that they saw as both a challenge to build and also as
a legacy for the future. They actually wanted to do it because it
seemed impossible, something we could perhaps take from them.
One
thing they did try to do was to build prisons which treated inmates
with some respect and humanity, with individual cells and
opportunities to improve their lot. No, they didn't have en suite
facilities, but neither did the houses. These same cells now house
up to 3 inmates, locked up for 23 hours a day. Still recidivism is
high, which is unsurprising given the number of prisoners who were
"brought up" in children's homes (some run by the Roman Catholic
church - I'll deal with them in another policy sometime), come from
abusive backgrounds etc and who we as society have failed
completely. We therefore have to decide what we want to do with our
errant citizens - punish them so we all feel better, or actually try
to remove the problem bit by bit?
Perhaps
not incredibly, human rights lawyers were touting for business from
the prisoners put in the condemned wing as clearly they are
interested in their human rights. Crap, they are interested in
turning a quick buck at the taxpayers expense. What we need is a
solution and, of course, the "Get Over It, Get On With It" Party
comes to the rescue!
here
to find work and who will ultimately pay our pensions for us, a lot
of people turn to crime as they have "nothing else to do". Well, now
they have. They can start to learn the building trade and build us
more prisons. We apparently have too few builders anyway, so it
won't be putting them out of work - in fact, we can pay them
handsomely to train the little 
So,
the Roman Catholic Church, so long the champion of individual
feelings and matters of conscience, wants to be excluded from the
law passed by a democratic Parliament with respect to Gay Adoption.
These
experts in family life, unmarried and celibate (more on that in a
bit), who following the will of successive popes, (who amazingly as
no sperm has been shed, claim descendancy from St. Peter) in
disallowing birth control, with the result that millions of poor,
impressionable and gullible people are condemned to a live of
squalor and misery, with incredibly high infant mortality, are
apparently the arbiters of who makes a good and loving parent.
This
is the same Church whose agencies transported children (whose
families they had been instrumental in dividing) to Australia, where
the boys were sexually abused and beaten by the celibate priests.
It
was only the intervention of the secular state that stopped these
abuses, not the consciences of the Catholics; to allow them leeway
now would be as foolish as the leeway we have allowed mediaeval
Imams in mosques in this country.
If
you want to wear strange clothes and practice bizarre rituals,
either join a religious order or become a Freemason. Frankly, do
what you like in your own home, providing it doesn’t subvert the
feelings and aspirations of others. If you really want to believe in
“your” God, now that it is really pretty clear that, as an external
and omnipotent entity, he or she* doesn’t exist, that is your
prerogative. As a Party, we worship the great Turnip. (If you don’t
get the connection, watch Blackadder before joining)
Anyway,
back to the policy. The Scots, not content with running the
government with a large proportion of MPs and Cabinet ministers
hailing from their rain soaked country, also have their own assembly
where they can pass their own laws as to how they spend the money
collected from the whole of Great Britain. Fantastic. 
Sons
of Scotland, like Sean Connery, support the SNP; they, of course,
wanted to keep the North Sea Oil revenues to themselves, if they got
to power. Well, tough luck, we’ve used it all. Ha ha. 
The
Scots now want to have full devolution, which is great. It’s a
beautiful country with a very proud population. The rate of coronary
heart disease is the highest in Europe and the men wear strange
apparel on ceremonial occasions, but, laissez faire I say.
The cuisine consists of stuffed sheep’s stomachs and deep fried Mars
bars; oh, and porage made with water and salt. Yummy. 
We
give them the Prince of Wales, our very own Charlie. As a goodwill
gesture, this party suggests he becomes their Head of State and sets
up an organic farm in Llanelli. There he can reflect on how
Diana was treated by his family.
You
recall my previous policy for full employment by hole digging and
shoring up the beaches? Well, this time, we dig a trench along the
borders between Scotland and England and Wales and England and
separate the countries with just 10% of our stockpiled nuclear
arsenal using underground detonations. England will be free. 
As
the Gulf Stream will now have a channel through which to flow( used
to be called Hadrian’s Wall) it will have the effect of pushing the
Isle of England in a southerly direction. If we wait much longer,
according to Global Warming Experts, the stream will stop by 2020 as
the water in the north will have cooled too much anyway. 
Every
ethnic extraction is welcome to come along for the ride; the only
pre-requisite is that you love your country and want to be part of
it and all that makes up its diverse and unique texture.
Our
fishermen can once again go fishing and plunder their fish stocks
with the wrong size nets, just like they have been doing to us for
years.
No
longer will our retirees feel the need to emigrate to warmer climes
for the benefit of their health and creaky joints, only to find that
when they get ill they have to move back again. Health care can be
improved for the elderly because we don’t have to carry the Scots
and Welsh anymore. The grey pound will remaining in the Floating
Kingdom of England and we can produce gallons of our own wines and
olives instead of tepid beer and sugar beet.
They
are either barking incessantly, shitting on the grass or pavements
or biting people. Some people think that the little yappy ones are cute
too. Hairy rats really.
The
dogs will be destroyed and made into pies. These pies will be distributed to those
on benefits who whinge that they can't afford to feed their 13 kids
after they have bought their cigarettes, Newcastle Brown and new 40"
plasma TV to watch "I'm A Celebrity On Ice Cooking In The Jungle".
Their benefits will be reduced proportionately as we don't want
them spending more money on booze, fags and dope, so this is a
caring plan to look after their health as well.
Old
people sometime suffer in the winter too, sitting by a one-bar
electric fire trying to get warm. What better than a free "Fidofur"
rug and slippers to keep out the chill winter?
Imagine
the joy on their little frozen faces - they won't have to "paws" for
long before saying yes please to a doggy duvet cover either!