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How to Programme the News

 Are you a first time news programmer? Are you worried about with what you might bore the nation senseless over the next 12 months?

No need to worry: I can help. Work through the list, month by month, then, just start again – it’s like Groundhog Day really, but this is Groundhog YEAR!

January February March April May June July August September October November December

 January 

  • How people have overstretched themselves at Christmas
  • How people have overeaten at Christmas
  • The environmental disaster involved in sending Christmas cards
  • ditto, disposing of Christmas trees
  • Will this accelerate Global Warming?
  • How Mrs Goggins has to survive on a one bar gas fire
  • 2" of snow fall - in WINTER! - create severe weather alert.
  • Should the Royals shoot things? (pheasants, not peasants though)

      

 February

  • If the cherry blossom is out, is this Global Warming?
  • If the cherry blossom isn’t out, is this Global Warming?
  • Who was St Valentine? Should his day be banned as it promotes promiscuity?
  • Is St Valentine’s day insulting to Muslims?
  • If it snows, make this the News of The Day. Snowing? In Britain? In February? Amazing!
  • Interview another 28 year old whose birthday falls on February 29th and who jokes he is only 7 really. Hilarious stuff.

      

March  

  • Why do we change the clocks in March? Interview children going to school and an incomprehensible farmer from the Orkneys.
  • Will it need to change, post Global Warming?
  • If it has been mild, highlight the plagues of insects we will get all summer
  • If it has been cold, highlight the disaster that the lack of insects will pose to the native birdlife
  • Sell a piece to the Daily Express, showing that some of these will have the temerity to be FOREIGN insects

      

April 

  • If the cherry blossom isn’t out, is this Global Warming?
  • Why don’t we have the 23rd April as a public holiday in honour of our patron St. George?
  • Don’t try to remind the lager drinking yoofs wiv the Cross of St George flag that St. George was, in fact, Turkish, like the guy they abuse at the kebab shop.
  • Take a camera crew to Bavaria where the neo-Nazis celebrate Hitler’s birthday.
  • Take a really lame story, put it on the local news as a hilarious "April Fools" prank. Something like "George Bush's son becomes leader of the most powerful country in the World". Laugh?  You'll cry.
  • Marvel at the way airport staff go on strike just as people are trying to get away for Easter
  • Encourage more people to "stop murdering the plant" by not using their cars. Also report on the fact that, as more people want to travel over Easter, the rail networks will be doing engineering works so you'll have to sit on a bus instead.

     

 May

  • Should we celebrate Labour Day on the 1st of May?
  • Do we have as many public holidays as the rest of Europe?
  • Cover the strikes by various air traffic controllers/baggage handlers timed to co-incide with people trying to get away for long weekends etc.

     

June

  • If we had a bright, good Winter where people didn’t actually get S.A.D. and feel like ending it all, remind them that as it was so dry they will have to pay for it by queuing up at standpipes for their water before too long. 
  • It has been sunny for a day and a half. Terrify people into believing they will get skin cancer if they dare to go outside without wearing a burkah.

     

July 

  • Traditionally a quiet month. Try resurrecting Bird Flu.
  • If that doesn’t work, remind everyone that The Plague is still out there somewhere.
  • If it rains all month, you can extricate yourself from the June “standpipe” story by saying how unpredictable the weather is now what with Global Warming.

     

 August 

  • Is Grouse shooting a bloodsport? Interview a toff on his Scottish grouse moor
  • Is this a good summer, or is it Global Warming? 
  • If it is a good summer and you have not made the populace too despondent about murdering the planet, re-run the "barbecued sausages are carcinogenic" story again
  • Go to a school somewhere in Dullshire, get the A level students to open up their results. Congratulate them, then back to the studio where A.Professor will explain how they are too easy this year.

     

September 

·         Find a weather forecaster who, by observing the interaction between the spots  on the sun and the ones on his bum, predicts the "Coldest Winter for a Century" 

   

October

·         Interview someone from Looney Toon Town Council after they have banned conkers in   school

·         Are these Autumn tides normal, or is it a sign of Global Warming?

·         Why aren’t there enough flu vaccines for all the hypochondriacs? Remind the world of the Pandemic (and PLEASE look up the difference between PANDEMIC and EPIDEMIC in a diskshunerry first!) of Spanish Flu in 1918.

 

November

  • At the start of the hunting season, interview someone called Arabella who vows to fight this undemocratic piece of legislation in the name of discrimination and freedom.
  • Don’t ask her who her kind supported during the miner’s strike.
  • Open up the debate about Fireworks again. Run the story about the inevitable prat who has tried to launch a rocket from his ****.
  • Is commemorating Guy Fawkes burning a celebration of Catholic bashing? What do you think would have happened if he had been a Muslim. Ask Salman Rushdie to chair the debate. Change your address.
  • Should people wear Red Poppies?
  • Find a local authority which has already put up the Christmas lights. Invite crusty cleric to debate how the message is being lost.
  • Why is it snowing in Britain in winter again? Will there be enough salt for the roads?

     

December

  • Find a local authority which has banned the putting up of Christmas lights on Health & Safety grounds. Invite crusty Tory M.P. to debate how this is the nanny state gone mad.
  • Find a local authority which has banned the putting up of Christmas lights for fear of upsetting religious minorities. Invite crusty Tory M.P. AND the crust cleric to debate how this is political correctness gone mad.
  • How British turkeys are the best in the world – in fact, anything British is.
  • Are you ready for Christmas?
  • Will it be a White Christmas?
  • If it isn’t, is this a sign of (I think you can work this one out by now)
  • A cookery expert can present on 101 things to do with the leftovers
  • Don’t run a section on “why didn’t you buy a smaller turkey in the first place you stupid cow” as this will affect British turkey sales and butchers.
  • If people aren't flocking to the shops in droves, run article on "Disaster for the retail trade spells Economic Slowdown"
  • If people are flocking to the shops in droves, run article on "Public fail to heed Bank of England warnings and fuel a credit meltdown. This spells Economic Crisis"
  • Run story on which looney Council has banned tinsel on Health and Safety grounds